9am – the alarm goes off, what’s the point of getting up? No one cares what I do so why bother doing anything.
11am – well I suppose I better get up. Damnit I’m hungry, there’s no food in the cupboards so I’ll have to walk to the shops.
1pm – okay so I have to put make up on, try and cover up my worry lines and bags under my eyes from night terrors and sleep paralysis.
2pm – I haven’t eaten since 7pm last night but I am ready to face the world. I can at least hide my insecurities with my make up, making sure no one will judge me for being too ugly. Okay Jenkins for a sausage roll and Spar for a pot noodle layer.
5pm – okay so I’m back home and finally calmed down enough to process everything. My anxiety had caused a panic attack in Asda as I decided that I was “okay in the head” enough to go into a busy shop so I can eat healthy. It took me an hour and a half of walking around to calm down enough to even remember what I was purchasing.
7pm – I’ve managed to work up my appetite by now although didn’t manage to get many things so will be another boring dinner. I should probably start writing an article about how stressed life can be every day.
8pm – another episode of Gilmore Girls and I’ll start writing.
845 – I’m too tired for this. I should probably call my mum back. Actually if I do that then I have to pretend I’m okay and everyone knows I’m the worst liar ever so she’ll ask me what’s wrong and how do I explain that nothing’s wrong I just don’t feel okay?
930pm – I guess I should take my sleeping tablets so I’ll hopefully sleep all the way through and a good night sleeps should equate to a productive day tomorrow.
11pm – guess we’re not gunna sleep again tonight.
This article has taken me so long to write because I am ashamed to admit how bad it has crippled me. I know if I eat better food and go for walks and keep myself busy I will feel better. If I’m being completely honest, it took me to be living by myself and my best friend to die before I finally told the doctor I needed help or I knew it wouldn’t be long before I would die too.
Writing had been an escape for me for some time and it felt good getting a lot off of my chest, but who wants to write about how they feel like they can’t even wake up or go to sleep for days on end? But I have realised it needs to be talked about. No one can help you if 1) they don’t know what’s going on and 2) you don’t want to help yourself. So anyway I have finally started to do things that should help my mental health.
I have been to the doctors and I am on a shortlist for counselling. I have learned that I need medication for my back, what makes my head any different? I used to be ashamed that I am on antidepressants; but why? You should never feel embarrassed because you need medical help, it’s what it’s there for.
I walked out of my job a few years ago because I had had enough of being bullied. I have finally sent an apology to my old boss. Guilt and shame are two of the hardest emotions to carry. About 6 months before I left High Wycombe I started opening up to my longest and oldest friends about how life was finally getting too much and since I fell in love again I could no longer control my feelings and I was close to breaking anyway, but the healthcare had been so poor when I had seen the doctors for stress it was a simple sign off for a week or two and then hopefully that was enough. I’ve recently also thanked all my friends for the support over the years. I was overwhelmed with the responses and in fact it has built me up to finally finish this article.
I didn’t want to write about depression, I wanted to write about how you can fight it. I’ve already wrecked my life several times, I’ve let it take away everything positive I had left and made for myself because loneliness and depression is the biggest silent killer. So my message to anyone with mental health issues is TALK ABOUT IT. Talk to your mum, your best friend, your doctor; talk to anyone who will listen. When you talk about problems suddenly they don’t seem so big. I thought I was lonely and it turns out everyone has their own life, they don’t know I feel like that unless I tell them.
Reading the Secret is not such a cliche; positive mental attitude is how most people succeed. Art therapy has helped my friend Melanie Sears (some of her artwork follows).
Amazing work! She had messaged me the other day about art therapy and how it’s helped her, it reminded me again I am not alone in this and nor is she. ‘I wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left me so drained the night before. “That is what I call bravery!” Is the name of this piece. And I tell you what, if you can battle your demons and still carry on living, you might not be doing much but you are a hero. Be strong like my friend Mel and find a way to express yourself. My worst nightmare would be any of my friends or family to have the same dark thoughts I have, but to know we are all there for each other makes it so much better. Sometimes you find a friend you never knew you had.
My self-help blog has some simple step by step guides www.ichosetobee.wordpress.com and if you are needing some help contact us for details of coffee mornings we do here at the newspaper also follow #lovethewayyoulook and start posting your own.
Thank you for reading and remember; you can do anything if you work for it. And always be yourself.
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