Hope everyone is looking forward to Halloween, because I’m not. I’m looking forward to Halloween about as much as I look forward to dentist appointments, or paying taxes, or watching Manchester United play. Anyway it’s Halloween all year round with El Tango aka President Trump. He is really playing trick or treat with the nukes and North Korea, he’s more concerned with NFL players protesting police brutality than the state that Puerto Rico is in. The mayor of Puerto Rico is on television up to her knees I water saving people and all Trump wants to do is play golf. The toughest job in the western world currently is being a PR spokesman for the Orange one. Imagine having to explain what he does and says. I’d throw my notes down and walk to the job centre to be honest.

One thing I am looking forward to however is how crap England are going to be in the next World Cup. Last night they only just managed to beat Lithuania 1-0. The scraped by against a bunch of players who would be more at home in the 6-a-side Sunday League I play in (I’m awesome in that league by the way, they speak of my brilliance in hushed tones. Ry-onel Messi is what they call me. Not really, but still). Thing is, on paper it could be worse for England. It looks like The Netherlands won’t be there and Argentina might not be there. Wales haven’t qualified yet but considering how they did in the Euros I’m putting it out there that they’ll win the World Cup if they’re in it. Free Cawl and Daffodils for everyone if they do.

I’ll be doing new stand-up shows soon, I will be honest there is nothing more terrifying than doing stand-up comedy. All you have is your jokes, you don’t have cool music or band mates to back you up, if you’re doing a twenty minute set and it doesn’t go well it can be the longest twenty minutes of your life. And yet there is no bigger thrill and I love it, I love the world because I don’t have to make things up. Life just gives me material. It can be the slightest thing and material just springs in to your head. Life has been a bit difficult lately. My girlfriend, my mum and me were involved in a car crash recently and on top of that my mum’s been in hospital. It’s a surreal feeling when you’re trying to be strong for everyone else but you’re not sure if you even have enough strength to be strong for yourself. You’re the one who embraces everyone else and tells them that everything will be okay and all the while you desperately want that for yourself. You feel like you can’t do that however, you must be strong for them because your strength gives them strength. I’ve had the feeling of wanting to crumble for years but my mental discipline prevents me from doing so. I cannot afford to crumble, so I will not. End of story.

Wait, I must change the subject because I’m on the train as I write this and I’ve just looked to the seats on my left. There must be half of the Wrigley’s factory under this fucking table. Or maybe it’s that blue-tac that’s white (wait, so it would be….er….white tac?) Anyway, it’s disgusting, the fact that there’s a bin right next to the bloody table! Arrggghhh! Now see if I was Prime Minister I would have some sort of punishment for this. Maybe the people who did it would have to go to the house of commons and sit through all of the most boring stuff that gets talked about in there, or they have to walk into a lions den carrying 10 freshly cuts sirloin steaks, or maybe they would be made to sit through every episode of Songs Of Praise. Of those options, I think I’d choose feeding the lions myself.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is Trump is ruining America as scripted, but we’re not American so it’s amusing in a twisted sort of way. England will be hilarious in next years world cup so get some popcorn ready. And finally unless you want to be eaten by Lions, use the bin for your unwanted chewing gum.

10th October 2017

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