Next year I will be 80 years old. Obviously that means that the decision I have made cannot be changed. It is too late so if I had regrets I could now do nothing about it. Luckily I have no regrets. I have never wanted children of my own. This does not mean that I don’t like children. My husband used to say that when I was with children he could not tell the difference between them and me as I became very childlike. I could not however sacrifice my life for children of my own.
When I was a child people would say things like,”What do you want to be when you grow up?” and my answer was often,”I want to be a missionary.” After they had gone my mother would say,” Tara, will you stop saying that. It is very embarrassing. You sound like goody-two-shoes.” I was not a religious child so when I look back I think it was that missionaries travelled. We travelled around the world and my mother made it lots of fun so travelling for me was very exciting. Funny things would happen to me on my travels as a child.
When we were on the ship to Malaya, as it was then( now it is Malaysia) , they had a fancy dress party for the children and my mother forgot all about it. When she had remembered she rushed off to the Children’s section to find that all the costumes had gone. I had long hair at the time and I was only 6 years old so she borrowed a hobby horse,put me in a pair of pink knickers, pulled my long hair down and said, “You are going as Lady Godiva.” My comment was, ”Who, Mummy?” My mother replied, “It doesn’t matter but she was a wonderful woman. You can be very proud.” I have to say I didn’t feel very proud. I just felt silly.
I learned to speak fluent Malay because my amah, Malay for Nanny, didn’t speak English. Because I had Chinese friends at school, I learned some Chinese too. My life was very interesting out there and I tasted all kinds of food and learned so much about different lifestyles. Because my mother was Asian, she wanted me to mix with every kind of child and that too was a massive learning experience. For my mother, learning was essential.
Later on I told her that I did not want to have children. In those days , I was looked down on for that and people would say to me that I was not a real woman without children and various other insults. However, I never gave in as I did not want to sacrifice my life for children.
This did not mean that I did not understand why people wanted children. I did understand. I feel for women who can’t have children and who sincerely desperately want them. It was the life they wanted and their choices were their own. I had people say to me that having children was great because they would look after their parents in their old age. I have seen children beat up their parents and I would never want children to turn into caretakers. So my choice was my own.
My mother tried to support me. She had this idea that if I got pregnant by accident, we would go away for 9 months and she would come back with a baby and I would be free to live my life as I wished. I was very touched but I kept saying that I wouldn’t get pregnant as there were such things as contraceptives !!!!
So at the age of 18 I started my first adventure with just a rucksack on my back. I have always been able to travel light. In those days, of course, I was underage. My mother had to give her permission. She was unsure as it was Morocco and she was right, it was dangerous but I don’t regret one day of it. I could handle myself although I had two attempted rapes but I had learned self-defence so I was fine and I was forever watchful.
I have travelled all my life and lived in France for 14 years. I travelled around Spain, returned to Malaysia twice as an adult and caught up with old Chinese friends who knew my parents and made new ones, remaining in contact with them on Facebook. I have no roots and I love that. I know that people have lived all their lives in the same village and brought up their children there. I am fine with that. But I needed adventure, travel and no roots.
How do we define happiness? One definition could be a state of well-being, joy, and contentment. It includes a sense of purpose and fulfilment with strong relationships whether family or friends. How do we achieve this? We have children and get joy from that or we don’t and find joy in other ways. We are capable of looking at our lives and living the way we wish to within our thoughts and ideas.
Also the way men and women are judged is very different. Men are usually judged by their careers /work and women are judged by their work/life balance. More and more women are having their careers but studies are showing that young people today would prefer to have women in the traditional roles and men in control and working in their jobs.
I think there will be many women now who will struggle with this and the sacrifices that they will have to make. I know I could never go along with that and as a feminist I have fought for women’s rights and it would be a great shame if we take backward steps instead of leading to a future where men and women make their choices in the fairest possible way.
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