by Ryan Colbeck.
Back again! El Spare Tire Guy is back. Can I just point out, life on mute is no fun especially when you have a mouth like mine. My voice has been known to convince armies to stop fighting and declare peace. But at this point in time when I speak it feels like someone’s rubbing sandpaper over my vocal chords. The reason for this horrible predicament is because I’ve spent the last couple of hours doing voice-overs for a new comic book character series coming out soon, oh yeah I’m voicing a super hero! You do understand the swag levels I’m experiencing right now, I feel I could upstage all of The Avengers and Batman on the same day because basically **** being humble. But I suffer for this art so thank god I can type this out, I have tried the old school remedy for illnesses, but apparently whiskey just makes me struggle to see and plays games with my balance. Last time my balance was this shaky was the last day before pay day last month. My cat is looking at me strange like “don’t you die on me you dick, who else will feed me!” and my goldfish has his usual high as **** look in his eyes so I hope I don’t say something stupid.
Baby dick-tatorship
Well!! Who would’ve known but Hitler apparently had a baby sized ****, apparently medical records have surfaced from when he first got arrested and it seems his dick was smaller than his ‘tache. Apparently his nuts were deformed to the point where he could use them as a office toy. I find joy in knowing this.
0-100 in 1 left hook
Speaking of things not going well, Jeremy Clarkson has paid out for what is probably the most expensive left hook of recent times. It seems he has settled a £100,000 court case with the Top Gear producer he sparked out but even though he apologised I bet he’s still like “**** you, you can take this money because I took a few of your teeth” and it’s quiet for Top Gear now that they can’t find a host that can drive for more than twenty minutes without having a break down. You may even wanna re-christen the show Flop-Gear.
Priorities
Speaking of bad decisions, shout out to the girl in the news this week who decided to change careers from business to porn. Alix Lynx, from New York earned an MBA degree in University and then was like “nah **** that, I wanna get naked and shag guys on camera” I can personally say having seen pictures of this lady I support her decision. Thumbs up from your boy, apparently she said she’s always wanted to do porn and I always say you should be who you wanna be.
BRIT Awards
The tw*t-walk at this year’s BRITS was the most interesting part of this years ceremony. Apart from Adele cursing and wearing a curtain and Labrinth’s fantastic suit which basically says “yes I’m a genius so I give no ***** if you like my style”. And Jess Glynne looking about a packet of Pepperami Sausages, I don’t know why some of these people don’t smile in pictures. You have no idea how fly I’ll look when my invite for the BRITS comes and I step out of the limo in a bright purple suit with a white trilby and and gold walking cane! Swagger personified!
So now I’m leaving to plot the outfit, have a cup of tea and collapse on my memory foam mattress.
Peace!
remember, love me or hate me, let me know @RColly91
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